Today is the day many people begin to feel the crunch of New Years resolutions, the regret of the past year, and the hope of the year to come. This year has brought me through many emotions. Despite the recent excitement of having become engaged to my chapter 2 and the hope of a new future, I still struggle to make sense of this grief journey.
As I reflect on this past year, there are two emotions that overshadow the rest; DESPAIR and RESTORATION.
It was in 2013 that I touched Pete’s cold face and dropped to my knees; realizing the inevitable had overcome him.
It was in 2013 I buried my husband, my love, the father of my children.
It was in 2013 I wondered what my life would look like without him; wondered if I had a future.
It was in 2013 I wished The Lord had taken me home, with Pete. The burden of life seemed too much to bear.
It was in 2013 I accepted my fate as a single parent; realizing my children may never remember the time they shared with their daddy.
It was also in 2013 I chose not to let the grief of Pete’s loss define my future.
It was also in 2013 that The Lord restored my hope in myself, but most of all, in Him and His plan.
It was also in 2013 I grew closer to my immediate family, grew to love them despite their flaws, became more vulnerable, and therefore opened myself up to more love.
It was also in 2013 I realized there is power in continuing to move forward after loss-our Pete will not be forgotten in the wake of our future.
It is in 2014 that I will continue to move forward.
In 2014, I will continue to grieve Pete’s loss but I will do it with hope-not despair. I will not feel guilty for experiencing JOY.
In 2014, I will celebrate the 1 year anniversary of Pete’s entrance into Eternity and I will do it with JOY.
In 2014, I will celebrate my 30th year of life, rejoicing in not only the lessons those years have taught me but the heartache they have brought with them as well. I will do it with JOY.
In 2014, I will say “I Do” to my Chapter 2, Dave, and I will do it with JOY.
In 2014, I will climb Mt. Shasta in Pete’s honor. I will do it with JOY.
In the year to come, I look forward to despair being completely removed from our repertoire, while allowing the theme of RESTORATION to continue shaping our future-and from that, JOY will abound.